The ashram is a very quiet place. Obviously, right? My first day, I just observe with a watchful eye and try to make some sense of how it works here. My demanding mind wants some structure and explanation, which is not really the idea. You are meant to be taken out of your routine, out of your structure and just see things with an open unexpecting mind. Quiet things down in there…
Oh boy.
At home in DC meditation goes like this for me: “okay, just relax, breathe, back and neck straight, don’t think about anything….” 2 seconds later: “ I’m glad they opened the window, wow.. that breeze feels good, that reminds me of that boat ride in Palau. Hmm…I would love to go scuba diving soon. I loved those people in Palau so much too. They were really cool. Oh I remember that crazy couple that got married on the beach! I wonder what they are up to. And I wonder where my wetsuit is…” Enter my disciplinary self .."Aprille…shhhh. you are supposed to be meditating, not thinking about anything! Now just husshhh..focus on your breathing!” Right, got it. No thinking. My under disciplined mind goes right back for the bait. “no thinking, no thinking…breathe. (three deep breaths) I’m bored!!! Breathing is boooring! What if I just sing a song in my head? It’s not really THINKING, right? Gwen Stefani pops into my head..I really love her look these days. Wow, what an amazing photo spread she just had in Vogue. Has she really had two kids? That’s amazing. She looks fantastic. I hope I look like that if I have two kids.I really want her eyebrows..” Apriiillllllle!!!!! Ugh. You are a terrible student!
I usually get about 5 minutes of quiet. If I’m lucky.
So you might imagine my intimidation of all of these quiet little budding Buddhas around here. They walk without a sound and look at you in the eyes and most seem just high on life. Are they really that quiet inside? I tell myself that I have much time, a few weeks, to get this sorted out. For sure I will be enlightened baby Buddha when I leave here, right?
Cue the laughing audience.
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